Sunday, October 12, 2008

Life: A Lesson Learned that I've Overcome

My smile is shown on the exterior but the lining is in agony...-CathrynMarie

It's been a good minute since I've posted something personal - I'm talking back in those days type personal but I think I need to "LET GO"!

As most of you know, that faggot named Ike hit Houston & it hit us something serious! Between Ike leaving me to live with my cousin (which I sooo enjoyed, I got to hang with the cutest 5 month old ever in life!!) for 2 weeks, causing me to miss work for 2 and a half weeks - which kinda set me in a lil fonk. Not to mention everything was going on around the 4 year mark of when I had my heart attack (yea, Sept 11th- Sept 24th, 2004 I dealt with health issues, son). Just when my fonk started to REALLY sink in, due to my sitting around the house watching tv all day & not doing my daily things, my good friend from NY (I call him Dookie cause when asking him what his nickname was he joked and said Dookie so now he's stuck with it, lol) came to see me! His trip came RIGHT at the heart of my depression that was setting in. Its like we were talking on Thursday about how I as upset, he said I'll come see you soon and the next day he was here! What a great pal :)

On top of everything, I had left my blood pressure pills at home, so I had gone a while without em, so when I started getting sick I just knew it was due to my missing my daily pills. Fast forward to Monday, September 29th when I go to my doc for my annual and to get a lower dosage of BP pills and he tells me I am pregnant *blink* I'm sayin doc, you said what? sweet mother of jesus! TWO MONTHS PREGNANT? CAN'T BE!!

Before everyone starts asking "who was doing me raw" (blah) stfu and read, lol. So Thursday, July 24th Mr. J & I have an accident our first go round. He rolls over and yells "Fuckkkkkkkk!!" I'm like, wtf son?? He informs me that his jimmy broke :/ "are you on the pill? - uhh NO. In the back of my mind I'm already thinking "MORNING AFTER PILL" - I know this man doesn't want kids, doesn't have any & never got anyone pregnant. So I do the damn thing the next day & by Monday I am bleeding son!! So I'm buggin out and go to the ER and then the doc on Tues. Doc gives me pills to stop the bleeding but will have me bleed for 2 more days; so overall for 2 weeks I was jacked up until late August. Keep in mind a test was taken during the docs visit and it was negative :/. So here we are in September - no cycle and I'm just thinking due to the many pills, my ish is thrown off, not thinking anything more or less of it until I go see the doc on the 19th and he burst my bubble! So I tell Mr. J who just kept yelling that he knew it, he knew it!! The morning after pill not only fucked me up for 2 weeks but it didn't do its damn job, lol.

We talk about what we want to do next and I tell him I don't know - uhh, we aren't kids son. You're in your 30s, I'm 28, why not grow up and deal with our responsibility. But again, I didn't know what I wanted to do. As the days went on and I told more people about it, I started getting happy and felt I wanted to keep it. Sure the ALL DAY sickness was aggravating but I can handle it. I halfway told him I'd respect his wishes and acknowledge that he doesn't want kids but then I had a change of heart and when trying to express such he all of a sudden vanished or became hard to reach. he told me about his "home girls" mom being in the hospital and then having 2 deaths in his fam, so he is going through a lot but dammit what about our situation? When I inform him of my change of heart - he is all ears, lol. We decide we are going to go half on an abortion because I respected him as a friend and wasn't trying to upset him even more than he was. So appointment is made for Sat, Sept 4th, he was supposed to come by that Friday and pay up - but he didn't. He said he was dealing with his family issues but informed me different (shouts out to my love muffin, Kazi), the Ninja was at the freakin club :/. So now I'm like fuck this Ninja, but I peeped this after his Sunday visit to drop off the dough, so he was thrown off with my sudden change. Hell, Im pregnant, its what we do, LOL. I told him to lose my number & I'd just text him when I was done on Wednesday. Keep in mind he had not ONCE offered to drive me or pick me up on either appointment made. His lack of concern since that week before let me know not having the baby was the smartest move - if I had it and he was no help I brought it upon myself because he TOLD ME he didn't want a baby. I'd be settin myself up for Baby Daddy/Baby Mama drama. I didn't want that and it wasn't worth it to be honest. I realized women probably make their bed they lay in when they have a dead beat "baby daddy". True having an abortion is not something that is always best but you SERIOUSLY have to think things out and decide if its worth it. I have a BEAUTIFUL son who will be 10 in a few weeks, I was with his dad for 7 yrs and I NEVER refer to him as my "BD" nor am I his "BM" - I guess having gone through how its "supposed to be" and having a GREAT friendship with my sons Father assisted me with making the choice. He actually agreed with me.

I know, normally people don't talk about having abortions and such - its not something to brag about, but I'm venting some, lol. Not to mention I want some woman to read my words and LEARN from them. Mama always said don't boink someone you can't see yourself having a baby with and she is right. I told dude that he fucks like a teenager and he thought it was cool - NO, you being whack in bed is NOT cool. Talkin about he is a teen at heart :/ - see he and I were THAT close to where I could be honest with him on such things, LOL. Another lesson one can learn is do not depend n the morning after pill, LOL. Geesh! I recently told folks about Encare - look it up, it is a BC method that you can buy at the stores. I don't want to get all into it but I ONLY suggest it for those in relationships and doing it with no condoms or whatever.

So yea, Sat Oct 11th I terminated my pregnancy and I had a GREAT support group before and after the procedure. My boss was really excited about my having a baby - sad I disappointed her. My good friend Nette was ready to be an Auntie - oh and April, yea, Auntie April was ready, LOL. There was a guy, Isiah, whom I've shown no interest in even though he always asks me out, who was ready to be there every step of the way. Mack Daddy was on the phone with me giving me GREAT advice. My beautiful Family who was here for me, my cousin D for taking me - getting up @ 5:30am, lol. M Ninja Dr Teeth who had me laughing today as we caught up. And Dookie - he's been GREAT! He has completely shocked me with this new friendship we've established - known him for a good 6 years or so but since June, actually since Ike hit & he called to check on me and told me to fly to NY (lol) he has been GREAT! I truly learned who my friends were and who had my back! Thanx guys!

I even thank Mr. J - he was most def a wake up call - I appreciate men like Dookie & Isiah a lot more now. I'm not going to front like I didn't like dude, he was a very important person in my life - but growing out of friendships is a way of life; growing into new ones is always a way of life. I humbly cherish those friendships!

You can judge me if you decide, but i really don't care. There isn't one thing in my life that I do not regret and I don't regret my choice which is why I am sharing. My sister says I am too honest and tell too much but my healing has always come from my writing about it - so I am writing! No need to feel sorry for me, cause I damn sure don't feel sorry! I have a fresh new look on life after being thrown another obstacle by The Man Above! I am a stronger woman than I was yesterday :)


Sunshyne said...

hmm interesting

It's not like you set this guy up so I don't know why you are blaming yourself just cuz u knew he didnt want any kids, its not your fault the condom broke

Shit happens...& he should have found out if you were on the pill beforehand, but whatever

at least you learned not to mess wit dudes that you really dont need to be fuckin cuz u dont want to be a babymama especially with a guy that still fucks like he's in high school

& that damn indmix will get ur ass in trouble! lol

MirthNadir said...

Deep story. Glad you are pleased with your decision. Life is about living and learning and you definitely learned alot here. Stay strong.

get well soon.

maylady84 said...

wow! stumbled on here from twitter. very deep story. I agree with both of the above comments. Life is about learning and shit happens!

this situation only made you stronger! God Bless!

Sugarlips said...

I think people who are pro-life don't realize the heart-wrenching decision that is made when one decides to terminate - they think it's just something girls do, like paint their nails pink on some random day. I'm glad you had a great group of people to support you through it, despite the dude being a deadbeat. And like you said, who needs someone like that in their lives?

Lesson for us all -- no BC is 100% foolproof...