Tuesday, December 16, 2008


This post is one of the reason's why I LOVE, LOVE, LOVEEEEEEEEEEEE Wil Sylvince


This Christmas many of us will feel the recession heat and and force us to decide on what to buy and how much to spend on Christmas gifts. You should get something that's easy on the pockets while at the same time very useful to the receiver. Don't buy gifts that are going to cause tension between you and your landlord. But then there's nothing worse than when you receive a gift from someone that's totally useless and shitty and they scowl back "it's the thought that counts..." I'm thinking "what the fuck were you thinking about!?!"

So I compiled a MY TOP 10 COST EFFECTIVE and USEFUL GIFTS for this Christmas and even many more to come..

PRICE: How much it'll cost you
USEFULNESS: How useful it might be- V= Very Useful, SW= Somewhat Useful, FG= make them Feel Good
ALTERNATE: An alternate or compatible gift
WHO: Who can you give it to- E= Everyone, CU= Computer Users, PwLSE= People with Low Self esteem
RATING: over all rating from 1 to 10. With '1' is not so great and '10' is really great.

10. Toilet Paper: Everybody needs it. You show me someone who doesn't need toilet paper and I'll show you someone who's full of shit. And if they don't use it, then you'll be improving their life by helping them clean out their shitty lives. If they say they have toilet paper, you reply "you’ll eventually run out."

Price per: 10¢- $1
Usefulness: V
Alternate: Handi Wipes
Who: E
Rating: 10

9. e-Card: An electronic Christmas card via email, web site, or social networking sites is a great gift to give someone who's always on-line, who doesn’t like to socialize in person, or who can't talk to you unless it's on-line. Also it's for anybody you don't wish to look in the face when you don't have an actual physical gift to give them. Plus it's free, it's quick, and you can send many with just one click of the mouse. You can be as creative as you want in a way that you can't do with pre-made store bought cards. Before someone can say "damn you couldn't at least get me a real card?!?" You write to them in the e-card "I'm going green this year. Did you know Christmas cards destroy thousands of trees and rain forests every year! So this is my gift to you and the earth." And if they don't appreciate it then they don't care about mother earth...they're selfish- fuck 'em!

Price per: $0
Usefulness: SW -Great for the planet
Alternate: Text message
Who: CU & PwLSE
Rating: 8

8. Dollar Store: With about 10 dollars you can probably get the family, friends, and even the boss a very cheap-ass and useful gift! And if you're nice like me, you can knock them all out in just one aisle of shopping! Then head over to Sears, Macy's, or Best Buy, steal price tags, and replace them with the ones on your dollar gifts.

YOU: "Merry Christmas!" (hand over the gift)
THEM: "Thank you! WOW! An 89 dollar toilet paper roll?!?"
YOU: "Yes, only the best for your ass!"

If you don't want to be bothered wondering what they want or don't want give them a 'Dollar Store Gift Certificate'. If you like you can only put one or two dollars on the plastic card but you don't have to write real amount on the paper card jacket. Do like I did to Patrice Oneal. Purchase a one dollar card and write "$100.00" on the paper card jacket. When they go to the check out counter with all the shit they selected, let them and the cashier sort that shit out.

CASHIER: OK, the total is $100 plus tax is $108. Now subtract your gift card.....so you owe $107.
THEM: Oh damn. I'm going to put some stuff back.
CASHIER: How much stuff
THEM: 99 items.

Price per: 10¢- 99¢ (tax varies from state to state)
Usefulness: V (depends on what you get)
Alternate: Another aisle or 'Dollar Store Gift Certificate'
Who: E
Rating: 8

7. Compliment: Pay them a nice hearty good compliment that always make people feel good about themselves. It boosts their self esteem, makes them feel good, cheers them up, reassures their reason for existence, and sometimes the right compliment can even make their whole day! The best compliments are what I call 'tag team complimenting' or 2 or 3 compliments in one.

THEM: "Merry Christmas" (They hand you a gift)
YOU: "Thank you! WOW! That lovely shirt really brings out your beautiful eyes!"

If you're a guy complimenting another guy just 'gay it down' by complimenting their car, girlfriend, or how great they are at Madden.

Price per: $0
Usefulness: FG
Alternate: Compliment something they're working on or their choice in mates
Who: E & PwLSE
Rating: 5

6. Re-wrap an Old Gift: Take last years shitty gift someone gave to you, re-wrap it, and give it to someone else. One man's junk is another man's treasure. When you give them the re-wrapped gift say, "I didn't know what to get you. So I hope you like it." That will set them up to appreciate the re-wrap gift. Most would reply "I'm sure I'll love it." Just remember who gave you the gift last year so you don't end up giving it back to them, otherwise it'll be a bit awkward. But then again maybe not:

THEM: "Hey I gave this to you last year...!"
YOU: "This year is a touche' Christmas" (just walk away)
YOU: "This year is a green Christmas" (just walk away)

Price per: $0
Usefulness: SW
Alternate: Re-wrap something in your home you don't need anymore & tell them you got them something from the vintage store!
Who: E
Rating: 7

5. Hug: A nice warm hug is sometimes all what's needed to make someones Christmas wonderful and whole. Sometimes a hug will help take that person away, to another place, one that's quiet, peaceful, makes them forget their problems, their bills, bad-ass kids, landlord, pathetic ass job, and if good enough they'll forget that you didn't get them a Christmas gift. Keep hugging until they do. Most of my friends call me the 'Hug-King'. I will hug a girl till she's pregnant!

Price per: $0
Usefulness: FG
Alternate: Let them cry on your shoulder
Who: E -Keep it short with kids and the same sex if your a dude
Rating: 4

4. Bump them up on your social networking sites: For most of us myspace is a way of keeping in touch with friends and family or promoting something. But for many others they take myspace entirely too serious. And for those people adding them to your top friends list or bumping them up closer to that number 1 spot might be the best Christmas gift they ever received!

THEM: "Merry Christmas, here's your gift" (they hand you a gift)
YOU: "Thank you. And here's my gift to you..." (walk over to your computer)
THEM: "WOW! You got me a computer?"
YOU: "Nope, even better! Do you notice anything different about my top 8 friends?"
THEM: "OH SHIT!!!! I'm number 5!!! I love you! You're the greatest!!!"

You may get a few that question why they're not in the top 3, you reply "hey, my dog, girl, Chocolate Cinnabunz, Angelina Jolie, and Tom comes first!"

Price per: $0
Usefulness: FG
Alternate: send them an HTLM comment
Who: CU & PLSE
Rating: 9

3. Music Playlist: Music makes the world go round, regardless of the culture, race, religion, or group people love it. In fact we listen to it in the morning, in our cars, on the train or bus, super markets, it's in the movies we watch, video games we play, we exercise with it, comedians come out to it, TV shows go off to it, and it's even in some elevators we ride for a short time. Some people have it on their social networking page and expect you to listen to it when you visit. One of my myspace friends has one of the best playlist on her page Shownine ( www.myspace.com/shownine ). Sometimes I leave her page open so the music can play in the background and I use another window to surf the net! So a great gift to give is to offer your own musical play-list suggestions! And if' you're feeling a bit frugal you can even burn them a CD!

Here's my Play-list that someone will get under their tree:
1. "Funny Face"- by Donna Fargo
2. "I'm Not in Love"- by 10CC
3. "Coward Of The County" -by Kenny Rodgers
4. "Bitches Aint Shit" - Dr. Dre
5. "Think of Laura"- by Christopher Cross
6. "Afternoon Delight" - by Starland Vocal Band
7. "That Girl Is A Slut" -by Just-Ice
8. "Lose Yourself" - by Eminem
9. "You Are My Starship" - by Norman Connors
10. "Big Pimpin'" - by Jay Z
11. "All I Do" -by Stevie Wonder
12. "How Much I Feel" - by Ambrosia
13. "All My Life" - by K-Ci & Jojo
14. "You're the Reason God Made Oklahoma" - by David Frizzell & Shelly West
15. "La Di Da Di" -by Slick Rick & Dougie Fresh
16. "Gotta Get You Home Tonight" - by Eugene Wilde
17. "Do You Believe in Magic" - by Randy Vanwarmer
18. "Flashing Lights" - by Kanye West
19. "My Rollercoaster" - by Kimya Dawson
20. "Road To The Riches" by Kool G Rap & DJ Polo
21. "Bring It Home To Me" - by David Elliot
22. "Little Red Corvette" - by Prince
23. "Treat 'Em Like A Prostitute" -by Slick Rick & Dougie Fresh
24. "I Never Loved a Man" - by Maria Doyle

Price per per: $0 Or 49¢ if you decide to burn them a CD
Usefulness: V (if they happen to like the same type of music)
Alternate: Mixed Tape or bootleg CD
Who: E except for the hearing impaired
Rating: 9

2. Obama Obama Obama!!!: Right now everybody has Obama-fever....Obama this, Obama that! People are buying Obama merchandise like hot cakes.. I even came up with some of my own 'Obama products' which has not yet been released..

My Obama inventions:
-Obama Umbrellas
-an Obama Dance (Jamaicans will most likely create it)
-Nike Air Obamas (In all White & Black on the inside- is the White House version. In all Black & White on the inside is the mix race version)
-Obama Sweat-Suit on the back of the top it says "I am running for the White House"
-Obama shades
-Obama Hybrid Car - It says "Yes We Can!" on the side
-Obama Thongs - On the front it reads "Obama kill'd the Bush"
-Obama Value Meal at...(any fast food joint)

You can give a gift with anything Obama on it and people will love it! In fact if you can't afford the authentic stuff then create your own. Just get a white tee shirt, with a Sharpee, sign it "Barack H. Obama", and tell them you went to a rally and got Barack himself to sign the shirt. Most people won't even check the authenticity and more won't even wear the shirt. They'll put it in a glass box frame!

Price per: $4- $15 (depends on the quality of the shirt)
Usefulness: V
Alternate: Something authentic from the Obama site: www.barackobama.com
Who: E (but mostly Democratics and blacks)
Rating: 10

1. Nothing!: That's right you give them nothing! And when they give you a Christmas gift don't even reply "Oh I didn't get you anything..." Nope, just smile, take it, say thanks, and walk away.. If they want to end the friendship all because you didn't give them anything then you don't need them. And what a great way to start the new year without their fake-ass-full-of-shit-who-only give-just-to-receive-a-gift-sorry-ass! Jesus didn't only save the people who gave him gifts. There were millions of people who didn't give him a gift yet he still saved them. In fact the only ones we know that gave Jesus a gift were the 3 Wise Men.

Price per: 0
Usefulness: Can't do nothing with nothing!
Alternate: 2nd to none
Who: E
Rating: 10 (to you)

9 Shopping Days Left till you go broke because of Christmas!
Merry Christmas!


No comments: